


Sleep Well, My Angel

by the_girl_without_a_face



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Darth Vader Character study, F/M, Guilt, Love, Pain, Sadness, Self-Loathing, Suicide attempt mentioned, They all deserved better, Vader needs a hug, but they're not getting it here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:34:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23997595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_girl_without_a_face/pseuds/the_girl_without_a_face
Summary: Plagued by Force visions of Anakin Skywalker's late wife, Darth Vader seeks closure in her mausoleum. Inspired bySleep Well, My Angelby We Are The Fallen.
Relationships: Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker, Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker | Darth Vader
Comments: 4
Kudos: 15





	Sleep Well, My Angel

**Author's Note:**

> Happy May 4th.
> 
> Hope you enjoy it.

_Watching you sleep for so long_

He stood before the heavy doors, drawing courage to do this. His black suit hissed with his mechanic breathing, his cape swirled around him and he felt himself shake.

He debated once again if this was a good idea. He didn’t know what he was doing there, he just hoped… This was his desperate plea.

He looked at the glass windows near the doors. All colorful, contrasting with the atmosphere of the place. The day was cold, windy. Dark, as if the Force was responding to how he felt inside.

The heavy doors blocked his entrance. Not anymore. He’d been kept away for far too long. And, somehow, something inside him said in a dreadful whisper, not enough. He took a deep breath before waving his hand and the doors opened. A loud groan came from them from their weight, but otherwise nothing resisted. There was no point in her mausoleum being locked with the heavy security sent to guard it. _Palpatine’s direct orders_ , he’d been told.

_Knowing that I can’t turn the rain into sun anymore_

He took a breath, as much as the machinery allowed for his lungs, and stepped into the mausoleum. His eyes immediately fell on her. Her tomb. A block of even, grey concrete. He didn’t notice his feet moving closer, so much so he could just reach out and touch. The atonal ambient was such a contrast to the colors, the flowers and the mural. The mural. The glass mural behind her. His eyes lifted to look the bright glass. It was the closest he’d ever get to see her again. The closest he’d ever get to see her again and not have her say how he’d killed her.

She was so beautiful, so full of light and love and pain he couldn’t face her. So he turned around and looked at her tomb, but she was still there. She’d always be there. The day may have been dark, filled with rains and clouds, but there was enough light to see. There was enough light to make the engraved image in the glass shine through. The time placed her entirely where her tomb was, like she was dancing in colors and swirling in emotions around him.

She was even more beautiful now, ethereal, whimsical. She looked like a true angel.

_“Are you an angel?”_

And the image engulfed him. He is but a darkness right in her center, as he was always meant to be. The source of her pain, of her heartbreak.

She was depicted in her royal clothes, as any Naboo queen should be. Except she was not cremated like the others, as it was the tradition in the planet, but buried. It had been a gift, for him to see her again, since he missed her funeral. After his battle with his former Master, his injuries had rewarded him with endless weeks of surgery, pain and maintenance for his life-support suit. And then the missions came and he was glad because he had had no guts to come visit her until now. Until the vision of her and the collapsed building. He hadn’t been able to bring himself to visit his wife, dead and with their unborn child still inside her.

He was supposed to save her life, their child’s life. But he failed. Failed to keep her safe, keep her alive. He even failed to keep her happy, he thought bitterly as he remembered the tears in her eyes, light up by the river lavas.

_I’ve given you all that I am_

His hands ached to touch hers, touch her. He wanted to feel her soft skin touching his damaged face and soothing the pain, the agony. But how can he touch such a delicacy after what he did? After what he had become?

_“I love you!”_

_“Liar!”_

After he caused her so much pain, physically and emotionally. He had given everything he had to keep her safe. He had turned on the Jedi Order, himself and untimely her. In the end wasn’t that his mistake? Losing himself made him lose her

_Now I stand here too scared to hold your hand_

Losing himself acted as a catalysis to lose her. Padmé loved the hero of the galaxy, the good person. Padmé loved Anakin Skywalker. She didn’t love a monster, she couldn’t. She was purely light and he was meant to lash out at her with the fire of the Dark Side. He knew all that back on Mustafar, just a little more than a year ago. The guilt he had felt was enough to make him cry then, afraid he’d lose his wife, the reason he did every dark deed asked of him. But that guilt was not enough to stop him. No, rather he chose to draw strength and power from it, like the Jedi never allowed. Like the Sith encouraged.

_Afraid you might wake to see_

Afraid she’d come visit him again, just to say how much she hated him, how it was all his fault. The vision he had had brought on many feelings of guilty, longing, rawness, rage, love.

_“… But you died.”_

_“No. I did not die,”_ she said.

Padmé lowered her light blue hood and revealed her face. Her dead, mostly bones with and barely any skin or muscles.

 _“You killed me,”_ she said. _“You.” ___

__He shuddered just thinking about it and the pain was too much. It took his breath away and made his legs tremble. He fell to his mechanical knees before he could stop himself, shoulder shaking. He thought he could save her. Her and their child._ _

___The monster that had to leave_ _ _

__He believed his new master could save her. Save her from any menaces, from dying in childbirth. From everything. She was healthy, he knew it. He saw the medical droid’s affirmations after examining her. Her lineage had no problems during pregnancies either, all of Naboo to be more specific. She had been through battles, assassinations attempts… Nothing was supposed to hurt her. Ever. Except…_ _

__He never thought he would be what finally killed her._ _

___‘Cause you see the shelter as the storm_ _ _

__He had offered her peace, security, power and love. He had offered it to her, he had given himself _entirely to her.__ _

___“You’re going down a path I can’t follow.”_ _ _

__She saw it as bad future, a dark possibility. She said no. she saw the shelter he had accomplished as the storm._ _

___Holding wind to keep you warm_ _ _

__Padmé Amidala was everything Anakin Skywalker ever wanted. She was his glowing light in the darkness, the love of his life._ _

__But she couldn’t be everything for Vader. His master had commanded him to leave that life behind and so he would. He would emerge from this place entirely Darth Vader._ _

___You were everything to me_ _ _

___This is why I have to leave_ _ _

__Padmé Amidala was everything to him. And that is, precisely, why he has to leave. Leave this mausoleum as Darth Vader, the Emperor’s fist, without an ounce of the _Skywalker_._ _

__That name wasn’t who he was anymore. Hadn’t been for a long time already. He just had always carried a piece of him inside, the part that was good for her. She believed he had good in him still, after he Fell and turned to the Dark Side, after he killed younglings, after his dark deeds._ _

___Under the ash and the lies_ _ _

___Something beautiful once here now dies_ _ _

__His intentions weren’t to forget. No, never forget. How could he forget his angel? No. He came here to find peace. He came here to find closure, to find peace of mind._ _

__He couldn’t shake the image of Padmé that filled his head almost constantly now._ _

___And the tears blurry my eyes_ _ _

___As you sit there all alone_ _ _

__He should be there with her. He should have died with her. He felt the pull, the end of his life, the Force calling for him, the peace it would involve him in with. But then his master had saved him, given him life. His latest holocall with him had showed how displeased he was with his suicidal actions._ _

__Honoring his master’s gift of life, he decided to seek closure instead of actually killing himself. His master had giving him life again. A purpose. Something to do, something to accomplish. And he couldn’t disappoint his master._ _

__Except…_ _

___I just want to come home_ _ _

__Except it wasn’t that easy. He couldn’t just let her go. If he could, Anakin Skywalker would have done it a long time ago. He couldn’t. What he could do though… It wasn’t her he had to let go. It was himself. It was the hero of the galaxy, the Hero with No Fear that had lived in fear. He hesitated because without him, no part of him would ever have her again. And then he could never go home. Not that she would ever accept him back. Not now, not like this. _She_ had made it very clear._ _

__There was nothing for him there anymore._ _

___I’m sorry_ _ _

__He’d been unstable when he turned to the Dark Side. The sudden, immense power he felt from the Dark Side once he Fell had been overwhelming. And the power from his emotions gave him helped too. The anger, the hate, the fear, the grief, the love… All emotions the Jedi kept forbidden to him, that kept his _power_ away, locked up. That kept him at their mercy, always getting punished, punishing himself. The Force screamed at his power. He had never felt such emotions so strongly, so purely. And he had never drawn from them, only kept them at bay._ _

__Then he was free. Truly, for the very first time. Except his freedom had come with a price and it was too high for her to pay. And he knew that, even before she told him. Before-_ _

___“I don’t know you anymore. You’re going down a path I can’t follow.”_ _ _

___I’m sorry_ _ _

__He had asked her forgiveness, but not only didn’t grant it, she also blamed him. For her death, for their child’s. She had her mind set on blaming him and she was right. He had killed her, he was to blame. Her love for him had ended and it was all his fault. Nobody else’s. His and _only_ his fault. Guilt and shame corrupted his insides, churning and smoldering them even further._ _

__He had dismissed her love once, accused her of betraying him, and now he was paying the price._ _

__And _oh_ , how steep a price. Had he only known._ _

___Sleep well, my Angel_ _ _

__His voice regulator kept his emotional state at bay, modifying it to sound neutral. It avoided the public to view his emotions, just like his mask. Oh if others only knew how much he felt under the mask._ _

__“Sleep well, my angel,” he said in a deep, clear voice, but as a raspy, broken voice inside._ _

__His voice modulator changed his voice and he only hoped Padmé would recognize it in the Force, recognize _him_. Though he doubted she’d want any contact with him by free choice, unless it was to hurt him. And after their last encounter – that dreaded Force vision that had left him hurt, raw - he wasn’t sure could take it. As a matter of fact, he was certain he couldn’t. He would have to learn how leave the guilt behind. Behind a name he didn’t go by anymore._ _

__His gloved thumb brushed the engraved symbol at her tomb one last time before he rose to his feet, turned and walked away from her resting place, his cape flowing wildly behind him and the doors closing with a loud noise._ _

__The Dark Side sang his renewed rage and pain, making him stronger, more powerful in the Force._ _

__And Darth Vader never looked back._ _

**Author's Note:**

> I was actually really interested in how Darth Vader would progress to having absulutely nothing of Anakin Skywalker and how he'd visit his wife's grave. This is a character study in that sense, in Vader after he has a Force-vision of Padme.
> 
> May the Force be with you
> 
> Come say hi on [Tumblr](https://ahsokamygirl.tumblr.com/)


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